Pooping Myself at Work on August 1, 2013

It happened to me last week on August 1. I was finishing my lunch, when I felt like I had to poop. Whenever I do, I get this bad stomach ache. It has always hurt when I had to go since like the age of seven. People say it is not normal for it to hurt, but it is my normal, and I have gotten used to that.

I gathered up my things, and I began walking fast. I was sitting outside eating my lunch and was at work. Before I got to the door of the office building to go inside, it happened. I pooped myself. Thank God I already wear diapers twenty-four/seven for my overactive bladder.

Now, I felt really self-conscious. I could not smell any odor--the diapers I wear do a really good job at masking it. I was so afraid someone else would. I really got self-conscious when I got on the elevator. I thought I was going on the elevator alone, but two other women got on with me. I was so tempted to just jump off at the last second, but I did not want to draw any unnecessary attention to myself or have to explain anything. I wonder if I had an embarrassed look on my face. I know that my face felt hot, so I am sure I was blushing badly. But since we live in such a polite society where we are taught as adults to mind our own business for the most part, not too many people would have said anything, even if they did notice something was awry. However, they would not hesitate to go and talk about me behind my back to others. I wonder what they would say to their friends and coworkers.

I held my breath until I got to the sixth floor. That was where my office was. I moved to the third floor this Thursday, August 8, because there is where our team was moved. I got off the elevator as fast as I could (Perhaps, the women would just figure I was trying to hurry back to my desk after break like so many others do.). I got my diaper bag, and I ran to the bathroom. 

I set to changing myself. It was difficult because I had to try to keep my dress out of the way. I was so tempted to just take it off and hang up until I cleaned the mess off myself. But, I managed to keep it free of getting messed up. I also had to work hard at cleaning myself because there was a gooey mess everywhere. Lately, the consistency of my bowels has been strange. It's not firm or runny, though, it is close to diarrhea.

After I was done, I hurried back to work. Nobody said anything, and I am so glad.

My Mission As Incontinence Advocate Makes a Difference

Two things happened in the last few weeks that reminded me of the purpose of my incontinence advocacy work. It is these two things that have definitely reaffirmed what I am doing is an awesome thing and that I need to keep on with it, despite any persecution I may receive as a result.

The first thing that happened was that a student from UNCC Carolina studying urology contacted me. He found my blog and was interested in interviewing me because he wanted a personal perspective. He conducted his interview through email. He asked me what a day was like living with incontinence and using adult diapers to manage Overactive Bladder. I told him what he wanted to know. I not only explained what a typical day with incontinence was like, I also told him what it was like to take vacations and how using adult diapers impacted those occasions.

I also talked about what life was like when using incontinence medications. I told him about my past experiences, as well as my current one.

He will more than likely be contacting me in the future, as he told me he would throughout his studies. I totally do not mind because I love educating people about this condition, especially if I can provide a new kind of insight.

The second thing that happened to me was that a woman in my incontinence support group that I run contacted me by phone and told me that the courage that I have taken to so openly discuss my condition and my willingness to help educate society and help others suffering from incontinence has helped to liberate her. She told me that rather than live in shame and lying to people about what her problems were, she was ready to stand up and face the facts. She told me that she felt she no longer had to allow Overactive Bladder to rule her life. Rather, she was going to rule it. She told me she was going to take the bull by the horns and face things head on.

I felt so touched by this woman that I almost cried when listening to her talk. I know that people before have told me countless times that they appreciated my work and what I do, but it was something about this woman that really touched me. I could tell she was so pained. I mean, she was so ashamed that she got rid of her boyfriend because she feared having accidents during intimacy, and she said it would be the death of her if her boyfriend found out. She told me her incontinence made her feel dirty. She told me that she went through several pairs of underwear a day and that she did not want to see the doctor because she was too embarrassed. She said that she was considering wearing diapers and just being done with it. I told her she really should get the courage to see the doctor, and I also told her what to say if her doctor ended up being the judgmental type, as some are when it comes to incontinence. I do not know, but I think some of these doctors get their degrees on their backs because the way they treat patients, when they know that incontinence effects people of all ages and has many causes, is absolutely crazy. I told her to ask about Enablex, the medication I take and see what the doctor said. I told her the meds were working for me and that if they worked for her, she could be free of the prospect of wearing diapers, at least until there was no way the meds would help anymore. I wished her well, and we will definitely be talking regularly, since she is also a part of the blind community. She really is one awesome lady.

Do you see, people, why it is so important that the view of society towards the condition of incontinence is changed? People fear being judged so bad that this condition actually imprisons them, forces them to isolate and give up doing the things they loved. It should not have to be this way. That is why I do what I do. It is my hope that through sharing my experiences, supporting those with incontinence, and doing my best to educate as many as I can that the walls of stigma are eventually torn down and that all people with incontinence can be liberated and freed from their prison of shame. I will not stop doing what I do until I either die or the stigma is gone, as God is my witness.

Hope for Normalcy

I promised that I would let you guys know how things went at the urologist today. To tell you the truth, things went well. It seems that there will be hope for me being able to control my bladder.

There is a new medication that is used for overactive bladder called Enablex. Unlike the other medications that are prescribed to treat overactive bladder, this one is specifically for this condition and this condition alone. I have been put on this medication at 7.5 milligrams and will be evaluated over a two week period to see how it works for me.

Along with the medication, I am expected to be on a voiding schedule to retrain myself to use the toilet again. I have to make myself use the bathroom every two hours. Even if I cannot go when I sit on the toilet, I have to sit there until I go. It is very similar to potty training a toddler. Also, when I am urinating, I have to try to stop my urine stream. The doctor said that I would see progress within a two week period. I certainly hope so, anyhow.

This process is going to be frustrating because it is going to be hard to do work having to stop often to retrain my bladder. It is worth it, though, if it means that I will eventually get to enjoy normalcy. During this time, it is going to be difficult to do work or go out anywhere because I have to be near a bathroom, until I get to a point where I can hold it and not have any accidents, and I am going to have to stop to go often.

After I get daytime down, then I have to work on not wetting the bed. I will have to wake up every two hours during the night. I will be doing this, until I can stay dry all night long.

I do not expect this to be a quick process. I also do not expect to get out of diapers quickly, either. It is going to take time to get to a point where complete control happens. Until I am confident that I can hold it for a long period of time, I will more than likely still use diapers when I go out and when I go to sleep. I have to have two consecutive months of complete dryness every single day and night before I am confident that I can completely wear underwear. I do not want any embarrassing accidents while out in public--I had my share of those--and I do not want to wet the bed. I am sure my husband will appreciate the precautions I am taking because I am one hundred percent sure he will not want to wake up in a wet bed. Quite frankly, I do not, either.

Now, even if I can attain complete control, I am still going to keep all the diapers I have left over. I am for the following reasons:

*Even if the medication works, there is a chance my body will get used to it, and it will stop working in the future. This is a risk with any medication.

*If and when I get pregnant, I will have to discontinue the use of the medication. This medication is still new, and it is not known if it will harm an unborn child or not. Personally, I will not take the meds, even if it is safe because I do not want to put any chemicals into my baby's body for any reason.

*I cannot take the medication if I decide to breastfeed because it is not known whether or not it can pass through breast milk. I only want to breastfeed because I do not want my babies drinking formula. Formula is artificial nutrition, and it is processed with chemicals, and I do not want anything artificial in the bodies of any of my children. Even if I cannot breastfeed, I will consult a milk bank or some other form of natural nutrition. But I will do every single thing in my power to breastfeed, like consuming twice the amount of fluids, eat a balanced diet, and do any other recommended thing to insure ample milk production. Most moms do not know this stuff, hence the reason so many women nowadays have so many problems with their milk production. Not to mention, feeding a baby on demand will also help with milk production. Sticking to a feeding schedule, something that is not good for babies' growth and development, will cause there to be problems with milk production. Many pediatricians continue to give moms the flawed advice to put their babies on feeding schedules inevitably causing milk to fail and babies to be put on the bottle and be fed that nasty formula. Thankfully, the benefits of feeding the baby on demand are becoming more widely known.

*the condition may worsen over time. If this happens, I will either have to increase the meds I am on or take something different. The surgeries are out of the question, and even my doctor agrees with that.

For now, I will work on getting myself to remain dry, and I will enjoy wearing sexy underwear while I can.

　

One Last Try At Being Normal: Taking a Trip to the Urologist to See About My Overactive Bladder

This week, I am going to attempt to go back to the urologist to do something about my overactive bladder. As many of you who read my blog know, I have been completely urinary incontinent for seven years now. I have depended on diapers to manage my incontinence. The last few doctors I've seen, one included a urologist, told me that there was nothing I could do for my condition, thus I would have to wear diapers for the rest of my life. I previously accepted that. Last year, though, things changed.

I got tired of just accepting that nothing could be done for my overactive bladder, so I talked the matter over with my primary care doctor. He told me that he could try me on Ditropan to see how it would work. Now, I took Ditropan when I was eleven years old for a brief period, but I had some negative effects from the medication. I started sleep walking, had hallucinations, and had terrible nightmares. I was taken off of it after a week of being on it. I told my primary care doctor about this, and he told me that I had nothing to worry about because it had been so long since I took the medication, and things would be different, since I was an adult. He also told me that these reactions were common in children. I agreed to try the medication again.

Ditropan did seem to work somewhat. I noticed that the amount of times I had to urinate were less frequent. I even found it possible to make it to the bathroom somewhat, but I still had a lot of accidents. I also found that accidents would happen when I was focused on things, like my work. Perhaps, this happened because I was so used to going in the diaper, and I had not used the toilet for so long. I was also wetting the bed every single night still.

I took the meds for a couple of months. During this time, I set a timer to remind me to take frequent bathroom breaks, and I had to stop work frequently to avoid getting so focused that I'd wet on myself. I wanted so bad to retrain my muscles to use the toilet. Because the meds lessened my urges, I was able to have slight progress. It was not good enough, though. I still had to depend very heavily on the diapers.

Though I was not nearly where I wanted to be, there were some things happening that gave me some hope. I was on the lowest dose of medication during that time. I wonder if things will work to the point of me being able to get out of diapers and wear underwear if I am given some sort of therapy to help me build my bladder muscles back up (I am sure they have somewhat atrophied because I completely relied on diapers for seven years now.) and the dosage of the medication is increased. That is why I am going to see a urologist.

I am really nervous about this. I am also scared of being let down. I know that taking the medication is only a temporary fix and that I will eventually end up where I am right now, back in diapers and very disappointed, but I just want to enjoy underwear and being normal for a little while. It has been so long since I wore underwear that I forgot what it feels like. I also somewhat forgot what it is like to use the bathroom on a regular basis, so I will have to relearn. It is going to be like I am potty training again. I have to get used to using the toilet instead of using the diaper. It is going to be very difficult at first because I am going to have to take scheduled bathroom breaks to work on daytime toilet training. When that is mastered, I can then work on nighttime toileting, if it can be achieved. Like a toddler, I am going to have to get out of diapers slowly, but I will not get rid of the ones I have left. I am going to keep them for when the meds stop working down the line. Diapers are expensive, so I will not trash them. I do hope, however, that I will not need them for several years.

There are surgeries that can temporarily correct overactive bladder. I say temporarily because they often have to be repeated, especially in the case of the Sacral nerve Stimulator. Or, the surgeries fail after a period of time, like in the case of the surgery that is used to increase bladder capacity. Also, the side effects of these surgeries are extremely serious, and from what I had read, the risks outweigh the benefits. Not to mention, special maintenance is required lifelong. There is a bladder removal surgery, but I am so not willing to have my bladder taken out and replaced by a bag that is similar to a colostomy. Forget that! I do not want to get out of diapers that bad that I severely change my life for the worst. I love to swim. I love making love, and I love so much else that will be ruined, if I were to consent to bladder removal. So, no way!

I thank God that my husband is very supportive and understanding of me during all of this. It really helps because this is a very difficult thing to live with, especially because society makes it so taboo. He lovingly takes time to listen to my concerns, and that really means a lot to me. His love and support makes coping a lot easier. God has blessed me with a fabulous mate who understands me and loves me for who I am. He is encouraging me to get help and do all that I can, and he told me that if things did not work out, he would not be upset. I am glad of that. My husband told me that so long as I tried my best that was what mattered. I will certainly try my best.

He has always been supportive and understanding, even before we were married. My husband and I have been best friends going on ten years. He has never judged me or thought negatively of me because of my incontinence. When we first became friends, I tried to keep it a secret from him. I never intended for him to find out, but he did on accident. When he did find out, he handled it quite well. He was so noble and kind about it. Sometime in the future, I will share the story about how he found out about my problem.

I will keep all of you updated about what happens at the urologist, as well as let you know about my progress.