A Crazy Week with My Incontinence

This week was crazy with my incontinence issues. I do not even feel like crazy is the word to describe it. I am going to give a brief overview of what happened.

1. On one day, I had diarrhea six times. I had to change my diaper eight times during one workday because of it. I also got a terrible diaper rash as a result. Oh, it was terrible. It hurt so badly.

2. I have been urinating too much. I have been saturating my diapers a lot quicker than I normally do. I still am. I am not sure why.

3. I pooped myself one time while talking to a coworker. I was discussing business while it was happening. I felt real self-conscious about it but was glad nothing smelled. He did not even notice. If he did notice any change in my facial expressions, he never said anything. I hope I did not make facial expressions to give away that something was wrong. I also pooped my diaper while working on my government issued computer. Because I work with classified information, I can never leave that computer unattended. I was troubleshooting the computer and trying to shut it down. Because of all the encryption programs, it was taking some time. I really had to poop badly and was hoping I'd make it to the toilet. I squeezed my butt cheeks together and tried so hard not to lose control. It did not work at all. I messed myself. As soon as the computer was shut down, I locked it in my desk drawer. Then, I ran to the bathroom and changed my diaper.

What a pain. Seriously. What a week. I hope things calm down soon.

I Am Not Sure I Ever Want to Complain Again

I do not know that I can ever complain about having my condition again.

There is this lady who had cancer and ended up losing her large intestines. Because of this, she has to wear a colostomy bag. If that is not bad enough, her bladder was damaged during the surgery. As a result, she cannot pee on her own anymore and has to be emptied using a catheter.

And I cry about having to wear a diaper.

At least my stuff works. At least I do not have an incision in my side and have to wear a bag that can bust or fall off if not careful. And at least I can pee without assistance. I mean, I just go in a diaper. I do not have to worry about dying or getting these terrible infections because my bladder cannot empty. Sure, diapers give me UTIs and yeast infections, but that is minor in comparison with what this lady has to endure.

While I do not like to wear diapers per say, having to wear diapers is a walk in the park compared to someone with those problems. My heart goes out to that lady. I am not going to mention her name here because she would be horrified. I do not want to embarrass her anyhow.

I Love the New Tranquility Smart Core Diapers

A week ago, I received some samples of the new Tranquility smart Core diapers. I loved them so much that I ordered a full shipment and changed my personally delivery plan to these diapers instead of the Slim Lines I was receiving prior.

The Smart Core diapers are right up there with the Tranquility ATN diapers but they have the cloth backing instead of the plastic. Just recently, I have taken a liking to the cloth covered diapers and have forsaken the plastic because they are not as noisy and do not make me sweat so badly.

For a while, Tranquility only made the Slim Lines with the cloth out cover in my size. They are awesome but not quite as absorbent as the Tranquility Smart Core. I liked the absorbency of the Tranquility ATN diapers but did not want to continue to get them because of the plastic. But when I heard about Smart Core--I heard about them from a member in my support group, I just had to try them.

I must say that these adult diapers are the absolute best ones with the cloth outer covering. They do not leak and quickly take the moisture from my skin. They also contain agents in them to keep fungal infections and bacterial infections at bay as well as chemicals to keep PH balanced and control odor. Best of all, they are not even nearly as expensive as the Tranquility ATN diapers, and I do not have to change them as often as the Tranquility Slim Line diapers. With the Tranquility smart Cores, I feel more confident and comfortable.

Tranquility is an awesome company. Tranquility diapers are made to fit people of all body shapes. Some brands are only designed to fit people with a specific shaped figure, such as an out-glass figure, and they do not work for others who do not have that specific that the diapers are designed to fit. With Tranquility, there is no guesswork, and you can get these diapers and feel confident that they will work and fit well.

I recommend Tranquility Smart Core diapers to anyone who needs to wear diapers.

Wetting Up My Dress on August 6, 2013

I thank God that my dress was dark and nobody could see what happened!

I had to change my diaper really bad. I have been going to the bathroom much more than usual, and the diaper needed to be changed badly. I am not sure what all this is about, all that urinating and stuff. I know that my bladder is overactive, and I go a lot already, but I have been going way more than the norm. I am going to get checked for diabetes, just to make sure I am okay in that regard. Diabetes runs in both sides of my family, so I am at risk. I just pray to God I do not have that, though.

I went into the bathroom, and I began the changing process. When I took the diaper off, pee dripped onto the back of my dress because it accidently got in the way.

Now, I was freaking out bad. I did not know how I was going to go back to the office with this big urine spot on the back of my dress. I had to think fast!

After taking a second to breathe and pray, an idea came to me. I finished changing the diaper, and then I let down my dress. I went over to the sink, got a few soapy paper towels, and I wiped off the urine spot. Then, I got some wet paper towels free of soap, and I rinsed the soap off my dress. I took dry paper towels and kept wiping the spot until it was as dry as I could get it. I was praying nobody would come into the bathroom during this process. They did not, and I was glad.

The nice thing was that it dried completely in a couple of hours. The fact that the dress was a thin material and not cotton really helped that.

Later, I worked up the courage to go and ask a female coworker if she could see anything on my dress. I told her I spilled something--technically, I did, and I wanted to know if she could see anything. She said she could not. While I was relieved, I was still embarrassed.

I cried privately when it happened because I hate that things like that happen to me. It is incidences like these that make me really wish there was a cure. I know that people who love me accept me for me. My friends and loved ones do not care that I need to wear diapers. It does not matter to them, but there is nothing wrong with wanting to be cured. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be free of the problems diapers cause, like diaper rash, yeast infections and UTIs. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be free of embarrassing incidences that happen to us that do not happen to people who are normal. People say I should just accept it, but they really do not understand. It is not their life. They do not live with this every single day.

Pooping Myself at Work on August 1, 2013

It happened to me last week on August 1. I was finishing my lunch, when I felt like I had to poop. Whenever I do, I get this bad stomach ache. It has always hurt when I had to go since like the age of seven. People say it is not normal for it to hurt, but it is my normal, and I have gotten used to that.

I gathered up my things, and I began walking fast. I was sitting outside eating my lunch and was at work. Before I got to the door of the office building to go inside, it happened. I pooped myself. Thank God I already wear diapers twenty-four/seven for my overactive bladder.

Now, I felt really self-conscious. I could not smell any odor--the diapers I wear do a really good job at masking it. I was so afraid someone else would. I really got self-conscious when I got on the elevator. I thought I was going on the elevator alone, but two other women got on with me. I was so tempted to just jump off at the last second, but I did not want to draw any unnecessary attention to myself or have to explain anything. I wonder if I had an embarrassed look on my face. I know that my face felt hot, so I am sure I was blushing badly. But since we live in such a polite society where we are taught as adults to mind our own business for the most part, not too many people would have said anything, even if they did notice something was awry. However, they would not hesitate to go and talk about me behind my back to others. I wonder what they would say to their friends and coworkers.

I held my breath until I got to the sixth floor. That was where my office was. I moved to the third floor this Thursday, August 8, because there is where our team was moved. I got off the elevator as fast as I could (Perhaps, the women would just figure I was trying to hurry back to my desk after break like so many others do.). I got my diaper bag, and I ran to the bathroom. 

I set to changing myself. It was difficult because I had to try to keep my dress out of the way. I was so tempted to just take it off and hang up until I cleaned the mess off myself. But, I managed to keep it free of getting messed up. I also had to work hard at cleaning myself because there was a gooey mess everywhere. Lately, the consistency of my bowels has been strange. It's not firm or runny, though, it is close to diarrhea.

After I was done, I hurried back to work. Nobody said anything, and I am so glad.

Disappointments and Letdowns

Wow! I really have not posted to this blog in a long time. I thought I had updated about my meds failing. I guess that is what happens when you get so busy. Anyhow, here is my post ranting about the most recent failure.

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So, here it is. I am so disappointed. Success with Enablex was short lived, and I am back to the twenty-four/seven diaper wearing. I thought I was going to be able to tolerate it, but my body rejected once again. I kept getting severely constipated after a period of time on the meds, and the nausea was excruciating. The longest I lasted was approximately a month.

My doctor tried to prescribe me another med. It has no generic and costs over $200 a month, even with my insurance. That is a joke. I do not want to spend that kind of money just for another med to fail on me. After that, there is no hope for me and this overactive bladder of mine.

I am bummed. I feel let down. I thought for sure I was going to be liberated. What is it going to take for me to have a normal life? Is that too much to ask? Really? I have all of this underwear I cannot even wear. I might as well just donate it to the thrift store or some poor folks who are desperately in need. I did not wear it all that long. Or, should I hold onto it for the next time there may be some fake-me-out success? I am so tired of being a part of this vicious cycle of success and fail, success and fail. I am tired of riding this roller coaster. I want to get off, for goodness sakes!

Some people tell me to just accept it. They try and tell me it can't be that bad and that there are worse things that can happen, like cancer and having a terminal illness. I suppose that is true, but it does not change the fact I have to live with this freaking yoke that smothers me. Granted that diapers allow me to lead a productive life, socializing with friends, working, being active outside the house and traveling. But, diapers are also a form of bondage to me. Diapers cause hassles that people who are without incontinence never have to face, such as diaper rash and yeast infections that occur often. If you have sensitive skin like I do, then it can be a whole barrel of fun. I also find diapers inconvenient sometimes because the rest rooms are not really set up to allow discrete disposal of them, so others cannot see, and the stalls are so small. Not to mention, you have to find a place to change when you are out. And things are going to be real interesting when I fly to Florida this summer. I wonder if I am going to have to strip because I am wearing one. That will be humiliating, as if incontinence is not already humiliating enough.

As far as accepting my condition is concerned, I have. What some fail to realize is that there is a difference between accepting and liking. One can accept having AIDS, but it does not mean they love having it. It does not mean that they won't have bad days and feel down on themselves. Healthy people are so clueless! They understand nothing of having a chronic problem. So, it is so easy for them to spout out of their mouths what we need to be doing. I have a feeling it if were them, they'd be crying about it like we do. They'd have good and bad days like we do. They'd be singing a much different tune. Then where will their praises about just accepting it, chilling out and getting over it be found then? Well, they won't.

I have accepted my condition enough to the point that I am very open about it. That is obvious, since I post my feelings, my triumphs and my failures with incontinence on this public blog and share the posts on Facebook. I am comfortable talking about it. I am not ashamed of it. However, that does not mean I love urinating on myself or love having to wear diapers. I have my good and my bad days. I sometimes cry and complain, and by golly, I am more than entitled to do that.

I also want to help others who have this condition get to a place in their lives where they can feel confident about themselves and have the courage to lead normal lives. Incontinence causes many to become reclusive because they are too embarrassed to leave their homes. There is so much shame and stigma surrounding this condition, and it all starts with the things that children are told during potty training, like underwear equals big boy or girl and diapers equal baby, potty equals good and accident equals bad. Being the spokes person for my condition and working hard to educate the public and break down the walls of stigma and shame is the way that I cope with having this condition. It gives me purpose and allows me to forget my feelings for a bit, provides a release for me and enables me to feel good by helping others.

I do want to end my post by saying that I am thankful for a supportive family. My family never judges my condition, and they never ridicule me. I am truly blessed because many with incontinence are not so fortunate. Some have been brutally embarrassed by parents and relatives because their families feel like they can help it and are doing this stuff on purpose and for attention. I cannot tell you how many horror stories I have heard during my time as an advocate and educator. Some are so heartbreaking and even disgusting. This is what keeps me doing what I do. and while I have been ridiculed and persecuted for talking about my condition so openly, it just demonstrates to me all the more that there is a need for people who have courage to stand up, go against the grain and show the world that incontinence is a health problem like anything else, and it should not be so stigmatized.

　
　
　

My Work Situation is So Ideal

This post was supposed to be posted on the 29th of May; however, that was not possible. I have been immensely busy, so I am posting all of these posts now to catch up on my blogging.

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I started my first day of work. Let me tell you that I absolutely love my job and the people there. I mean, I cannot ask for anything better. There is nothing like loving what you do and being able to get along with everyone there.

What is also nice is there are facilities for me to use to properly dispose of my diapers. There are nice sanitary bins in the stalls for women to use to throw away their napkins and tampons, and my diapers fit nicely in there. I was prepared to take along brown paper lunch bags and dispose of them in the communal trash can that is near the paper towels; however, I am glad to know I will not need to do that.

While I do not mind who knows about my incontinence problem, it is nice to be able to throw away my diapers discretely, so I will not have to engage in dialogue when I am in a hurry. I have no problem stopping to talk to people about my problem. After all, education is the key to reducing the stigma. But when time is a commodity, I cannot always do that.

I cannot ask for a more ideal work situation. Life is awesome! And Jehovah God is so good!