Thursday, April 16, 2009

I'm Going Backwards

Being that I’m a fierce advocate who has advocated to millions online about my condition of incontinence and has stood strong in the face of opposition and immense ignorance, one would think that I would be a pro at accepting this whole bowel incontinence thing. One would think that I’d just think it to be a new stage or chapter in my dealings with incontinence if you will; however, this is not the case. I feel like I’m going backwards. I feel like I’m having significant problems coping. Just when I get to a point when I’m feeling comfortable, everything slips away.

As I mentioned in my last post, I never, ever dreamed that I’d be completely bowel incontinent. I never thought that something like that would happen to me. I know others it has happened to, but I did not think it would touch me. It has, and it is, well tragic!

Bowel incontinence really stinks, and yes, the pun was intended as well as there being a description of my feelings about the matter. IFEEL LIKE I cannot really go out and enjoy life as I used to before it all happened. Life before then felt more free and peaceful. Life before then was sunny and bright. Now, life is dark and gloomy, foggy and hazy, as I spend very, very limited time outside the house in fear of having a bowel accident, smelling up creation, and embarrassing myself. My social life is very restricted. I guess it is a good thing that my business and school demand a significant amount of my time, being that I work seventy hours a week and attend five classes online on the University level, as I won’t miss socializing too much and become depressed about my new circumstances. There is not much time to think of it when obligations call for me. Oh, and I did not even think of how I’ll be taking that math class when the time comes, as that one will not be online. To think of sitting in class and having a bowel accident actually terrifies me. You’d think that I’d be brave about it since I’m an advocate, and I am brave. It is just that I do not want to face people ridiculing me and mocking me about the smell, since everyone will know who did it. Gosh! I do not want to even think of that right now.

I’ve always been one to tell others who are suffering from incontinence to go out and enjoy life. I always tell them not to worry about society. My favorite words of encouragement to them are “You are everything and they are nothing.” I even try to tell myself that to help bring me out of the slump. While that is true, there is so much that we, as incontinent people are up against. We are not babies, and we are no grannies and grampus, so society will have no sympathy for us and our need for diapers. It is crazy. You’d think that civilization would be more advanced than this. I feel like we are living in the nineteenth century with these horrible attitudes. It is these attitudes of society that keep millions of incontinent people from living life. It is these negative attitudes that keep people like us in isolation. It is these negative attitudes that keep millions from seeking medical help for incontinence, and I will admit that when my bowels started going, I never planned to seek help because I was too embarrassed. I just planned to stay away from people as much as possible, and when asked to participate in family gatherings, I planned to make up some excuses as to why I could not. I never planned to disclose any of it to my parents or to anyone for that matter. Disclosing such matters to the family, I felt and sometimes still feel, would make me look weak and undignified in their presence. And as for hanging out with friends, I would have come up with something good that would work for a good while, at least until they really started questioning and digging. That was the recourse I wanted to take. But after telling my best friend, the first and only one who knew at the time, he MADE me go to the doctors. He was concerned and upset for me, and he practically drug me there. Needless to say, he was not too thrilled when he heard of my plans to never face the doctor with this issue. I guess, in a way, I’m glad my best friend made me get help.

As for my horrible feelings, I plan to go visit the online support groups to express my concerns with others who have been there and done it. I’m a newbie at this whole bowel incontinence thing, and I need the help and encouragement of some veterans. Some have given me some very helpful suggestions, such as how to hide odor with taking activated charcoal tablets on a daily basis and how to clean up in public, which is so immensely difficult. Yet, I still have a lot to deal with. Only Jehovah God can help me, as I’m afraid that this is too much for me to handle. It hurts…

1 comment:

Rob S said...

Reina, my sister, stay strong. Incontinence is NOT easy to live with, bowel even more so. I am facing an almost identical situation. My bladder control is deteroraiting rapidly. My bowel control is starting to go the same way as my bladder. I have had occasional bowel accidents.. and i do have idopathic peripheral neuropathy. I hope to God that i retain bowel control, but only time will tell. I have enough to deal with the bladder as it is. While i don't think i would qualify as "totally incontinent of bladdder," I have lost a considerable amount of control. So, while i don't wet myself every second of the day, and have some dry periods where i make it to the toilet, i still have daily floods. Thus, i wear briefs. Slowly, it seems to be getting worse. I tried medications, detrol and vesicare, to no avail. I am possibly a canidate for Interstim. I'm sorry to hear about your MS diagnosis. I know exactly what you mean about hoping you have a diagnosis so everything makes sense. For a while, i thought i had MS too. But, an MRI ruled it out. I had no brain lesions. I do however, have a form of ataxia, and i have peripehral nerve dysfunction, and it is probably the culprit behind the incontinence. What is causing it is not yet known, but we will be getting to the bottom of it soon. Stay strong! As far as odor goes, try using Nullo.. i hear it works well. Your not alone in this. Bowel incontience is not fun at all.. and i hope i don't end up with it. But, i may. :-(. If my nerve condition is prorgressive i may lose bowel control. Has your mobility been affected at all?