Friday, November 1, 2013
Monday, September 9, 2013
Sunday, September 1, 2013
My bowels were acting up real bad that day. They were runny, the consistency of baby food. I pooped myself real bad, and I went to the bathroom to change in a hurry. I took the diaper off carefully, but mess still got everywhere. It dripped out all over the floor. It also got all over my dress shoes.
I was horrified. I had this huge mess to clean up and had to think fast about how I was going to do it. I was going to get some wet paper towels, but that idea had to go when someone came into the bathroom. So, I set to cleaning myself up, taking off my dress and then cleaning all the mess off the floor and my dress shoes with toilet paper in the nude. The last thing I needed was for my dress to get into the mess. When I got everything up that I could, I used all of my diaper wipes I had with me. Then, I sprayed some of my perfume, so nobody would know. I did not want anyone to have even a hint that something had happened.
When I was certain the lady was out of the bathroom, I put back on my dress and went out of the stall to get a bundle of dry paper towels. I dried up the floor and my dress shoes. When I was done, nobody knew what had happened to me. I was glad. I was not in the mood to deal with any snide comments if people wanted to make them out of ignorance.
Saturday, August 17, 2013
1. On one day, I had diarrhea six times. I had to change my diaper eight times during one workday because of it. I also got a terrible diaper rash as a result. Oh, it was terrible. It hurt so badly.
2. I have been urinating too much. I have been saturating my diapers a lot quicker than I normally do. I still am. I am not sure why.
3. I pooped myself one time while talking to a coworker. I was discussing business while it was happening. I felt real self-conscious about it but was glad nothing smelled. He did not even notice. If he did notice any change in my facial expressions, he never said anything. I hope I did not make facial expressions to give away that something was wrong. I also pooped my diaper while working on my government issued computer. Because I work with classified information, I can never leave that computer unattended. I was troubleshooting the computer and trying to shut it down. Because of all the encryption programs, it was taking some time. I really had to poop badly and was hoping I'd make it to the toilet. I squeezed my butt cheeks together and tried so hard not to lose control. It did not work at all. I messed myself. As soon as the computer was shut down, I locked it in my desk drawer. Then, I ran to the bathroom and changed my diaper.
What a pain. Seriously. What a week. I hope things calm down soon.
There is this lady who had cancer and ended up losing her large intestines. Because of this, she has to wear a colostomy bag. If that is not bad enough, her bladder was damaged during the surgery. As a result, she cannot pee on her own anymore and has to be emptied using a catheter.
And I cry about having to wear a diaper.
At least my stuff works. At least I do not have an incision in my side and have to wear a bag that can bust or fall off if not careful. And at least I can pee without assistance. I mean, I just go in a diaper. I do not have to worry about dying or getting these terrible infections because my bladder cannot empty. Sure, diapers give me UTIs and yeast infections, but that is minor in comparison with what this lady has to endure.
While I do not like to wear diapers per say, having to wear diapers is a walk in the park compared to someone with those problems. My heart goes out to that lady. I am not going to mention her name here because she would be horrified. I do not want to embarrass her anyhow.
Saturday, August 10, 2013
Saturday, July 13, 2013
So, here it is. I am so disappointed. Success with Enablex was short lived, and I am back to the twenty-four/seven diaper wearing. I thought I was going to be able to tolerate it, but my body rejected once again. I kept getting severely constipated after a period of time on the meds, and the nausea was excruciating. The longest I lasted was approximately a month.
My doctor tried to prescribe me another med. It has no generic and costs over $200 a month, even with my insurance. That is a joke. I do not want to spend that kind of money just for another med to fail on me. After that, there is no hope for me and this overactive bladder of mine.
I am bummed. I feel let down. I thought for sure I was going to be liberated. What is it going to take for me to have a normal life? Is that too much to ask? Really? I have all of this underwear I cannot even wear. I might as well just donate it to the thrift store or some poor folks who are desperately in need. I did not wear it all that long. Or, should I hold onto it for the next time there may be some fake-me-out success? I am so tired of being a part of this vicious cycle of success and fail, success and fail. I am tired of riding this roller coaster. I want to get off, for goodness sakes!
Some people tell me to just accept it. They try and tell me it can't be that bad and that there are worse things that can happen, like cancer and having a terminal illness. I suppose that is true, but it does not change the fact I have to live with this freaking yoke that smothers me. Granted that diapers allow me to lead a productive life, socializing with friends, working, being active outside the house and traveling. But, diapers are also a form of bondage to me. Diapers cause hassles that people who are without incontinence never have to face, such as diaper rash and yeast infections that occur often. If you have sensitive skin like I do, then it can be a whole barrel of fun. I also find diapers inconvenient sometimes because the rest rooms are not really set up to allow discrete disposal of them, so others cannot see, and the stalls are so small. Not to mention, you have to find a place to change when you are out. And things are going to be real interesting when I fly to Florida this summer. I wonder if I am going to have to strip because I am wearing one. That will be humiliating, as if incontinence is not already humiliating enough.
As far as accepting my condition is concerned, I have. What some fail to realize is that there is a difference between accepting and liking. One can accept having AIDS, but it does not mean they love having it. It does not mean that they won't have bad days and feel down on themselves. Healthy people are so clueless! They understand nothing of having a chronic problem. So, it is so easy for them to spout out of their mouths what we need to be doing. I have a feeling it if were them, they'd be crying about it like we do. They'd have good and bad days like we do. They'd be singing a much different tune. Then where will their praises about just accepting it, chilling out and getting over it be found then? Well, they won't.
I have accepted my condition enough to the point that I am very open about it. That is obvious, since I post my feelings, my triumphs and my failures with incontinence on this public blog and share the posts on Facebook. I am comfortable talking about it. I am not ashamed of it. However, that does not mean I love urinating on myself or love having to wear diapers. I have my good and my bad days. I sometimes cry and complain, and by golly, I am more than entitled to do that.
I also want to help others who have this condition get to a place in their lives where they can feel confident about themselves and have the courage to lead normal lives. Incontinence causes many to become reclusive because they are too embarrassed to leave their homes. There is so much shame and stigma surrounding this condition, and it all starts with the things that children are told during potty training, like underwear equals big boy or girl and diapers equal baby, potty equals good and accident equals bad. Being the spokes person for my condition and working hard to educate the public and break down the walls of stigma and shame is the way that I cope with having this condition. It gives me purpose and allows me to forget my feelings for a bit, provides a release for me and enables me to feel good by helping others.
I do want to end my post by saying that I am thankful for a supportive family. My family never judges my condition, and they never ridicule me. I am truly blessed because many with incontinence are not so fortunate. Some have been brutally embarrassed by parents and relatives because their families feel like they can help it and are doing this stuff on purpose and for attention. I cannot tell you how many horror stories I have heard during my time as an advocate and educator. Some are so heartbreaking and even disgusting. This is what keeps me doing what I do. and while I have been ridiculed and persecuted for talking about my condition so openly, it just demonstrates to me all the more that there is a need for people who have courage to stand up, go against the grain and show the world that incontinence is a health problem like anything else, and it should not be so stigmatized.
This post was supposed to be posted on the 29th of May; however, that was not possible. I have been immensely busy, so I am posting all of these posts now to catch up on my blogging.
I started my first day of work. Let me tell you that I absolutely love my job and the people there. I mean, I cannot ask for anything better. There is nothing like loving what you do and being able to get along with everyone there.
What is also nice is there are facilities for me to use to properly dispose of my diapers. There are nice sanitary bins in the stalls for women to use to throw away their napkins and tampons, and my diapers fit nicely in there. I was prepared to take along brown paper lunch bags and dispose of them in the communal trash can that is near the paper towels; however, I am glad to know I will not need to do that.
While I do not mind who knows about my incontinence problem, it is nice to be able to throw away my diapers discretely, so I will not have to engage in dialogue when I am in a hurry. I have no problem stopping to talk to people about my problem. After all, education is the key to reducing the stigma. But when time is a commodity, I cannot always do that.
I cannot ask for a more ideal work situation. Life is awesome! And Jehovah God is so good!